I wrote the date correctly today. The first time in 31 days! It only took me the full month but we got there.

Speaking of getting there, guess what Wee Daftie and I did today? We finished our fundraising challenge! 31 days, at least 10,000 steps a day, several thousand puddles splashed in, plenty of fungi spotted, ducks, swans, and a few seals later, we have a current total of £704 raised for Refuge! Talk about getting there. We more than got there, we found where there was and rang rings around it!

Our walk in itself was quite uneventful. I wanted Daddy Daftie to come with us today to bring it all full circle. The first walk on January 1st was the whole Daft Family Household so it seemed fitting that day 31 was the three of us. Wee Daftie chose the route (she wanted to show Daddy the turkey tail fungi we found last week) so off we set, bright and early, for our last official Big Walk.

We saw water, goosanders, ducks and lots of joggers. We made friends with doggies, a nice cashier and a worm. We rambled, discovered a funky fungus called jelly ear and several meadows worth of snowdrops. We told stories, jokes and counted colourful cars. We skidded and slipped on all the mud we could find. We bought bacon to have at home with pancakes for lunch.

We started this month out by taking one step and finished with over 415,000, an average of 13,000 a day. Not one day was less than 10,000 and one was thoroughly over. My Wee Daftie, my best little idiot, was with me for almost every step. There was only one day, when I walked the length of the Water of Leith with Auntie Numbnuts, where we didn’t have at least one walk together. I cannot be prouder of her tenacity. I frequently joke about how stubborn she is (because she is) but this beautiful determination kept both of us going on some of the most exhausting days.

My biggest ambition in life is to do right be her so I feel that sharing this positive, joyous, hopeful endeavour with her is a big part of that. The very nice cashier we spoke to today told me I should be proud of my girl. And I am. Completely.

To all those who donated, anonymously or otherwise, thank you from the bottom of our hearts and worn out shoes. We definitely couldn’t have done it without all the support we’ve had; monetary, spiritual, physical, emotional. It’s been one heck of a month and I am exhausted and delighted.

I’ve written one more piece about my time with Joe. So here it is. Enjoy. And thank you. Forever #TeamRefuge

https://stepup.refuge.org.uk/fundraising/step-up-by-stepping-out-a-lot

Not all Houses are Homes

I used to live in an invisible prison.
I barely knew it was there.
The walls were thick, impenetrable
But I couldn’t see them, they were just like air
A still, stiff and stifling air
Stealing my breath, dimming my light
Clouding all my thoughts and dreams
Leaving only a misplaced trust in you.

At first I thought you were building me a pedestal.
And I liked it up there, where I could see
Everything – everyone – down below, envying me.
The higher you made it, so narrow and tall
The further I felt, the closer to fall.
The only thing tethering me down
Was the one thing pushing me up.
And the longer I stayed, the more I needed you
To keep me, up there, so I wouldn’t get hurt.

The prison started as a palace, a castle to share
With foundations of your own mistrust and hurt
Using beams of my youth and naivety
Cementing it all together with delicate words of love and want.
My house depended on you
And I believed it all.
The cracks, when they showed, you quickly fixed
With gestures, proclamations…apologies.

I don’t remember when the walls of my home became a cell
Because I couldn’t see them
I couldn’t feel them, I just couldn’t tell.
The key kept turning so quietly, unannounced
That when it finally clicked tight shut
I wouldn’t have believed I wasn’t free.
The shackles of jealousy, paranoia, shame
Kept my feet on the floor, my wings far from the sky

You never turned the key again, to set me free.
It was because of you, though, that I saw I was enclosed
Wrapped in a blanket weighted down with your avarice –
Not wanting to share the thing you said you loved the most –
Not wanting others to have a hint of the spark you said you desired;
Said you wanted too much you that had to have it all to yourself
Your slick promises couldn’t cover over the faults you made
With your greed and impure enamour, sold as a gift.

One day I saw a tear, a sliver of light rippling through,
Through the walls I hadn’t seen were there.
One day I pushed back at the wall, poked a hole in the tear
And not knowing what was below, I jumped down from that pillar.
That landing hurt, as I landed on the broken pieces of captivity
But it hurt a lot less than had I stayed up there, always unsure.
I didn’t land on my feet, I was battered and bruised
But I felt air move around me, I saw brightness shining before me.
Leaping was hard, but it was the only way to survive –
I never knew my strength ‘til the day I pulled down the tower.

My chubby ol’ fingers thought it was 2032 today. Well then. It took three attempts to type the correct date. Well well then. I wonder if this is an indication of how this blog will go? Well well well.

I asked Wee Daftie where she wanted to go for our walk today and I gave her a few options. Her most excited response was to the suggestion of heading back to Corstorphine Hill for a ramble and an explore. I really wanted us to go somewhere fun, new(ish) and interesting today. So after a fully fuelling porridge brekkie, we wrapped up and headed out.

There was still a chill in the air and a meagre frosting on the ground but the paths were much clearer. We could actually see where our feet were going and not just where they had been.

We had a lovely ramble and explore. She is so brave and adventurous, reaching heights higher and closer to the edge than before. Running up hills and wanting to see everything, be everywhere.

It can be a test to let your little one run away and see how far they get, walking a fine line between keeping her safe and not holding her back. I want her to feel brave every day and not just when she’s climbing up rocks.

We headed home for lunch after poking through the Walled Garden. We didn’t manage our all steps before we got home but Wee Daftie wanted to take her baby doll, Alex, out for a walk. She also wanted Daddy Daftie to come too so the three of us headed out to take Alex, and the buggy, off to see the ducks.

The second wander flung our steps well over our target and we celebrated with more apple cake and Aladdin. (The classic one, naturally) We are both feeling very excited to be on the final walk tomorrow. We’ve had a few more donations and our total is creeping close to £700 which is beyond anything I imagined. And it is just wonderful. And I am so grateful. Refuge do even more amazing work and it’s an honour to be a small part of it by raising this money for them.

One day to go!

#TeamRefuge

https://stepup.refuge.org.uk/fundraising/step-up-by-stepping-out-a-lot

I wrote a thing a while ago, not long after the aftermath of George Floyd’s death, inspired by a comment Nicole Byer made about how parents need to teach their kids about it and the BLM movement. I’ve been thinking a lot about how I teach Wee Daftie and what I teach her today. So I’m posting it here too.

I won’t teach my child to be colourblind.
I will teach her to see the spectrum
And celebrate
Collaborate
Resonate
With all the tones and hues she sees
And she will know their worth
Value
Brightness, depth, uniqueness.

I won’t teach my child to be silent.
I will teach her to be proud
And loud
Allowed
Not cowed.
To be who she needs to be
To stand by that
And for that
Honesty, realness, truth.

I won’t teach my child to hate.
I will show her, instead, to care
Share
Emphasise,
Not sympathise,
To give her patience and love
To understand
To stand
For what is right.

I won’t teach my child not to see.
I will show her when things aren’t fair.
To prepare
To shout
To let it out
That she won’t stand for it
That she has had enough of it
That change
Is needed, today, forever.

I won’t teach my child to fear
I will teach her to be wise
And rise
Stand
And demand
For fairness, equality, unity
She will know your struggle
Isn’t hers
But your fight
Is OURS.

I will not teach my child to be colourblind.

I don’t know if it’s just because we’re so close to the end (only two days to go!) or because I’ve had a few nights of dodgy sleep (comes with the territory amirite?) or just because it’s a wet and dreary Friday in January, during a pandemic, but my motivation felt low today. Obviously not enough to sack the day off, but enough that I haven’t been overly creative with our walking or our day in general.

We some grocery shopping to do so I let her decide which supermarket we would walk to. Surprisingly, she chose the one over the red road bridge. I totally thought she would suggest either the closest or the one beside the duck pond (because we all know how much she loves a duck). Decision made, we bundled up and headed out.

And right into a huge downpour! So the big wet walk I thought we would have yesterday showed up today. Did it put us off? Not a bit of it!

We were about 1000 steps off by the time we got home, which was excellent. Our cake baking and other domesticity nicely ticked the rest of our steps over so by dinner time, we were well over, which is even more excellent.

Not our most exciting day of the month but it’s another day completed, another day closer to our goal, another day walked for Refuge and another day of walking and talking with my Wee Daftie.

We have two fun days ahead of us and I am very exited. 29 days in the bag, 2 more to do! Here we go!

#TeamRefuge

https://stepup.refuge.org.uk/fundraising/step-up-by-stepping-out-a-lot

My day started as most days shouldn’t. Tap, tap, tap. Pause. Tap, tap, tap.

Whispering, “Mammy?” Tap, tap, tap.

She honestly could just call my name.

Anyway, after slow moving morning we headed out for what I anticipated being a very soggy walk. The forecast for today really wasn’t doing anyone any favours but, as fortune would have it, we started our walk in a break in the weather. I would love to take credit for good planning, but we were just lucky!

We took one of our favourite wanders along the paths and down towards the weir. Wee Daftie loves the mud and muck down there. There’s also lots of ducks to see, trees to hide behind, dogs to pet and fungi to find. After spotting the very cool looking turkey tail last week, she’s been wanting to make another fun (gi!) discovery. She got rathe upset when we found something called coral spot, which is basically a tree disease and she did not like the notion of an ill tree!

I didn’t time how long we spent down by the weir, but it felt like we spent more time rambling and exploring than walking down there, which was lovely. It was very squishy and skiddy in the muck. At one point, Wee Daftie said, “Mammy! Come down here! I just want to see how long it will take to get down the hill!” I am not the most graceful of people at the best of times but this slipperiness underfoot makes the usual challenge of walking infinitely more treacherous!

We made it home with all our steps well done just in time before the heavy rain and grey skies landed. Damp, grubby and ready for a soupy lunch, we had a super afternoon, bolstered by our lovely morning.

We only have three more days to go! Just some 30,000 more steps to go. Almost there.

#TeamRefuge

https://stepup.refuge.org.uk/fundraising/step-up-by-stepping-out-a-lot

For as long as I can remember, I’ve tried to say “Yes” as much as “No” to Wee Daftie. I mean about reasonable things. I don’t say “Yes” to sweets for breakfast but I will say yes if she asks to bake a cake. I won’t say “Yes” to buying every toy she asks for but I will always try to sit down and play her make believe games, even if I don’t always understand the rules.

So when she asks, “Mammy, can we go and play football in the park?” when it’s just starting to rain, there’s only one answer right?

I was volunteering again this morning, taking part in a group on Zoom from 10.30am til 11.30am, so we planned our outdoor time for after lunch. Come rain, shine and even more rain, we would head out.

The group was good this morning, though I did feel like Wee Daftie struggled to play independently today. She loves to be involved, included in whatever is happening. She also loves babies and the other peers, almost as much as I do. It’s hard for her to be so social, only to be told she can’t join in 100%. In general, she does brilliantly. Today her mood felt less patient. And I get it. So it felt even more relevant to say “Yes” to her as much as made sense today.

After soupy lunch and dinosaur park creating session, we packed my bag with a ball, wrapped up for damp, and headed off for Inverleith Park. It’s not the closest park to us but it has lot of benefits. It’s big, it has a duck pond, it has a playground, it’s close to nursery and there is a bus home close-ish if we need it. But we didn’t need a bus today!

It has been really busy the days we have been recently but today was virtually deserted. Partially due to the time of day, but generally thanks to the weather. Only good for the ducks and the Dafties.

We played about for just over an hour before heading home for chocolate chip cookies and a well deserved feet up and warm up! We have been out in all seasons recently but the chill factor was high today.

Steps done, cookies munched, toes warmed. It was definitely worth saying “Yes” to sodden and soggy football today! The weather is looking hideous tomorrow but we’re just going to embrace it, say “Yes” to the elements and walk our boots off! Four days to go!

#TeamRefuge

https://stepup.refuge.org.uk/fundraising/step-up-by-stepping-out-a-lot

Every day for the past 26 days, I have been typing the date 2021. And every time I do, I mistype and put 2022 first and then have to correct it. Every day. I just wanted to share this little factoid.

I’m not trying to wish my life away, I just have chubby little fingers!

Considering we have been walking literal miles in the snow recently, we have had very few injuries. Sure, sore feet here and there, Wee Daftie cut her finger last week and we both have gone skid several times. The worst of these small incidents actually befell my poor trousers. I’ve lost two pairs to the dreaded Chub Rub Bandit. Two pairs ripped at the inner thigh in as many days. Our mission today was to collect some new leggings I clicked over the weekend.

We weren’t able to pick up til after 12pm so we used the morning for some reading, listening to some excellent 90s tunes and making a thank you card for our neighbour who gifted us the doll’s house.

For a child that loves colour so much, she routinely colours very monotone…and frequently brown or black. Today, however, she pretty much used every marker, drew several love hearts and a very fine treasure map.

Our walk to the shop was very uneventful. We sang a bit. We got rained on a bit. We chatted a lot. Wee Daftie entertained the shop assistant with her stories. We got rained on some more on the way home. We made it home in time for lunch but unfortunately without hitting our step goal.

So what do we do? After lunch, and a spot of Zog and the Flying Doctors, we head out again to finish our steps off. By now it was much colder and wetter than before but Wee Daftie decided we should walk down the pier. So we did.

I am super proud of my girl for so many reasons. Today, it was her full commitment to this endeavour. It was meant to be my journey that I would include her in when she wasn’t at nursery. Restrictions and lowdown being what they are, she has been with me for virtually all of it and she has thoroughly embraced getting these steps done and raising money. She doesn’t know what exactly the cause is, but she knows it will help people. And she thinks that is great. How cool is my little idiot? The very coolest.

Steps done before dinner, which feels great. 5 days to go! Huzzah!

#TeamRefuge

https://stepup.refuge.org.uk/fundraising/step-up-by-stepping-out-a-lot

Daddy Daftie left so early this morning, that neither of us heard him leave. On one hand, it’s nice to say goodbye. On the other, well, I don’t like being woken up before I have to!

We had plans to meet friends for a walk around the Botanics again today. Wee Daftie’s pal wanted to show her something there so had our brekkie, wrapped up for a chilly walk, and headed out.

We had a couple of tasks from nursery emailed through this morning which we could easily do while in the gardens. One was to see and count how many different kinds of birds we could see and another was to try and find snowdrops!

Funnily enough, my girl and I had been talking about snowdrops recently so it was extra fun when we actually found some. And we found lots, and lots, in fact.

We had a lovely hour and some with our friends, the kids rambling and looking for rabbit holes, us Mammies chatting and setting the world to rights. I have harped on about it before, but I love these Mammy Mates of mine. I am just to thankful to have these ladies, and their kids, in our lives.

After, we said goodbye, Wee Daftie wanted to go see the ducks in Inverleith Park again. I love her interest in animals and just how fascinated she is in the nature around us. I try to teach and nurture as much as I can, without going too far and taking the fun out of it. So far so good though. And long may it last.

We arrived home in time for lunch, and chocolate chip cookie baking, having reached our step target! It’s nice to surpass our goals in such an easy way. Sure, we did walk for a good length of time but it didn’t feel like a chore by any stretch. We had an afternoon of reading, chocolate chip cookie eating and movie watching. Tomorrow will be another busy day so we took the afternoon easy. Still have about a week to go and want to finish as strong as we started!

#TeamRefuge

https://stepup.refuge.org.uk/fundraising/step-up-by-stepping-out-a-lot

The infamous Head Tapper reigned again last night, bopping her victims from slumber into confused awakeness on a whim. Well, I say a whim. She needed the bathroom and her water bottle filled so wandered in to wake me up to help her.

Thankfully, she settled down really quickly after. And even better, Sunday is Daddy Daftie’s morning to get up with her so I don’t have to.

As Daddy Daftie is away tomorrow for a week, I convinced him to come on today’s walk. He’s fully supportive of me and all my ventures, now matter how bonkers they may seem. He’s generally happy to cheer us on from the sideline but I also like to make him do stuff so that brings us to today’s adventure.

After lunch, when the sun was bright and low, the Daft Family Household went to Portobello for a wander. Wee Daftie loves the water, Daddy Daftie loves the sea and I just like being outside with my favourite people.

It was incredibly cold still and the sand was weirdly frozen in places. We started off by looking for rock pools and watching the oystercatchers hop about the shore. I’m pretty sure we spotted a falcon, swooping down and startling the gulls.

We walked almost the full length of the beach, with occasional breaks for all important stone throwing. We weren’t the only folk enjoying the chilly afternoon. There were plenty of dog walkers, a mums and buggies, a handful of swimmers and even a paddle boarder! Even though it wasn’t quiet, there was plenty of space for everyone.

As thoroughly wonderful as our walk was, it didn’t quite hit the target that we need so after putting Wee Daftie to bed, it was off out again for me. It was a lovely evening to smash out 2,500 steps, but already starting to freeze. I was thankful for the me time and personal head space but I was even more grateful to get home again and out the minus temperatures!

Another great day, step target met and already planning good things for our last week of walking. Happy days.

#TeamRefuge

https://stepup.refuge.org.uk/fundraising/step-up-by-stepping-out-a-lot

Wee Daftie was on what I like to call “Sloth and Bolt”. Her energy level is either slow, languishing on every task or super speedy, unable to sit still. The very special thing about “Sloth and Bolt” is that she is likely to swing between these two extremes at a moment’s notice. It’s kind of hard to keep up with or navigate at times but the older she gets, the more I just lean into it and go with it.

Today, she was definitely more slothic. As opposed to our usual up and at them approach, we took it easy. Played a couple of games on my tablet, read lots of stories, played with her toys, didn’t have breakfast til quite late. And let’s not talk about what time we got dressed at!

I am the first person to advocate for how important routine is and we absolutely have a very distinct rhythm to our days. We all need to break from the norm sometimes though, and today was a day for letting Wee Daftie take the lead. Even at a snail’s pace.

One of our neighbours gifted Wee Daftie a really cool DIY doll’s house so the three of us spent some time before lunch painting some of the furniture.

It’s such a gorgeous gift and nothing I would have thought to get for my girl but it’s just fabulous. We do like a project, us Daft Girls, and this is proving to be a great one. We all painted at least one piece each, Daftie doing about 5, and there’s still plenty to do.

After lunch, we still had basically all our walking to do so off we girls set for Inverleith Park to visit the ducks.

It’s not a far walk, necessarily, but it’s one we do often and one Wee Daftie knows well. She likes adventures but we’ve had lots of those lately so why not take it easy and keep things familiar but still fun?

The pond was about 80% frozen so all the birds were congregating in the only thawed out bit. It was another stunner of a day. Fresh, cold and beautifully bright. There was even a chap playing bagpipes in the middle of the rugby pitch. It all lent itself to a very Scottish inspired day.

We arrived home with our target reached and our bones chilled. I had a good chat with my Dad, or Papap as she calls him, while Daddy Daftie and she played with Duplo.

For a day with a slow start and plenty of laziness, we achieved a lot! Another day down, one week to go. #TeamRefuge

https://stepup.refuge.org.uk/fundraising/step-up-by-stepping-out-a-lot

Wee Daftie had another nosebleed last night so it was a night of broken sleep and spinning the washing machine at 1.30am. Unlike last time, she was still up early which was actually okay because we needed to be up and out the door, with our game faces on, for a walk around Arthur’s Seat with Auntie Numbnuts.

It was bitterly cold, the wind whipped around us in all directions. But the sun shone down bright and lit everything up with a warmth that almost chased the chills away.

Almost.

We had a fab walk, catching up with one of Wee Daftie’s favourite people and one of my (very) oldest friends. Aside from the cold, it wasn’t a strenuous walk but it was perfect.

We even stopped to feed the swans. And pigeons. And tufted ducks. And mallards. And probably a moorhen.

When my little champ started to get cold, we walked towards our bus through the Old Town. Such a simple but lovely day.

Bit like me. Simple, yet lovely.

The best news from today is that we have surpassed £500 from donations today! Which is…just…I’m a bit speechless, if I’m honest. I didn’t really have a target in mind when I started this but where we’re at now is definitely more than I hoped. Delighted. Utterly, utterly chuffed and grateful.

#TeamRefuge

https://stepup.refuge.org.uk/fundraising/step-up-by-stepping-out-a-lot