As promised, we had a smaller walk than yesterday as yesterday was pretty big. As Wee Daftie explained to her cousin on the phone today, “It was so long! Like 14,000 and like 93 or 96 or ninty-something steps…5! 95!” And despite children and their tendency to exaggerate, this was actually pretty accurate.

So a low and slow day today seemed like the better idea.

We had a couple of not very exciting but quite important tasks to do this morning so our plan of attack was what we like to call Choresday Thoresday. Not to be confused with Tuesday Choresday. Totally different branding with the intention of making cleaning up fun. Thankfully, it does seem to make things more fun for Wee Daftie as we prance around a bit while getting stuff done.

Windows cleaned, plants watered, recycling done, dehumidifiers changed, we headed off for our final task of morning; a trip to the supermarket! I did say it wasn’t going to be interesting.

In the spirit of Strolling with Simba, we decided to walk back over the Big Red Bridge to a supermarket further from our house than usual. It is a lovely wander, we reached our step target, and we made it home in time to have homemade pizza in the garden for lunch.

The rest of our day was spent crafting. We bought some kits before the holidays so that we could have projects and things to do in case the weather wasn’t great. The weather has, in fact, been wonderful and we have had loads of outside time so having an afternoon indoors, being creative was just lovely.

I would never claim to be artistic but I definitely feel I am creative and I love having a project. Daddy Daftie will tell you that. And having projects has helped me hugely since November. Well, after existing in survival mode and a fog for the first few weeks, when we had to organise things you’d never think you’d need to organise for your second born.

Since January, around about the same time I started Couch to 5k (thanks, Steve Cram), I started picking up things I haven’t had the energy or heart to even think about. I read some books, I did some adult paint by numbers (love those), I decided to paint half of our bedroom one afternoon and I started knitting again.

I learned to knit when I was twelve and it’s been something I’ve always loved. I make dolls and stuffed toys rather than anything useful. I knitted a bride and groom for when my eldest sister got married. My middle sister’s sons both got dolls when they were born. I’ve just finished a secret project (which I am so excited about) and I made Wee Daftie a stegosaurus called Sarah.

Finding my spark for creating again has been so good for me. It has provided distraction for the days when I don’t want to think how sad I am sometimes. It has given me focus and fun things to plan, to make and then to share. It has provided joy in giving. It has given me an anchor to myself again.

It is so easy to feel lost in and to grief. Having Wee Daftie and Daddy Daftie to look after, feed, annoy with my amazing jokes, has kept the day-to-day of living on track. Needing to do the school run, the weekly shop, the chores has kept us all moving. Picking up my needles again and making fun wee things has mended a connection to myself that had been momentarily lost.

I think that is part of why I love the gifts that Simba give are handmade, whether it be crochet or knitted. I plan on making and donating some of their patterns myself soon.

It will be weird to make something useful for once!

When we woke up this morning, I had concerns that our walking session was taking a backseat as Wee Daftie had a friend coming to visit this morning. Which is great obviously, but also gives us less time to plan a purposeful walk.

I need not to have worried! We smashed out a ridiculous amount of steps before dinner but we’ll get to that later. For now, let’s think about our morning.

Wee Daftie’s friend who came to visit has been a best friend since nursery. Which is going on 6 years now; a very long time in both their lives. And I love having her over. They get on so well, they’re both creative, imaginative, silly and there is always giggling. So much giggling.

It was also good that Wee Daftie had company as I had a phone consultation with the midwifery team from Simpson’s Maternity. I am, as I think I have mentioned, open to talking about losing Saoirse. Wee Daftie and I have had conversations about it. Wee Daftie likes picking flowers and sticks and giving them to Saoirse. However, I also like to give Wee Daftie some space from my grief sometimes. She’s is incredibly mature at times and such an empathic kid, but my sadness is not her burden to bear.

The call today is a second one of four offered by the bereavement team at the hospital and they have been amazing. It’s just a chat to check in and see how things are. I don’t think I will every be able to put into words how much I appreciate all the support I have had with all this. From friends, family, medical professionals, my work, Wee Daftie’s school, the bubble of love and comfort has fully surrounded the Daft Family Household and I don’t have words. Which is unusual for me.

From the midwife who helped me deliver Saoirse, through tears and the best hug I can remember to my own GP, I’ve never felt unheard or dismissed. The midwives and doctors in the hospital who cared for me and gave me time with Saoirse showed us both such understanding and patience. We have had some level of professional care at every step, from delivery to organising her service and I cannot be more grateful.

I don’t think they will ever truly know how much they have done for me, for us, and I know I won’t forget them or their grace and kindness. And I definitely don’t know how to thank them. Hopefully by telling anyone who’ll listen how great they all is a start.

After my call with Jude, making lunch for the girls, stabbing myself repeatedly with a crochet needle and listening to the girls cause mild mayhem, I decided we needed to stretch our legs a bit.

We ended up stretching them a lot.

We dropped Wee Daftie’s friend off to her house and then jumped on a bus to Crammond for a stroll in the evening sun along the water. Or the Crammond Floor Show as my old Dad would say. (Less of the old, Callipie!)

Now. As with lots of Edinburgh, I have walked the length of Crammond plenty of times. I may have forgotten just how long it is. Not that I am complaining at all. We had warmth in the air, sun on our skin and we even saw some deer near Gypsy Brae. It was gorgeous…and utterly exhausting, in the best possible way.

We walked all the way to Wardie Bay, picking up some chippies on the way, and sat in the early evening sun, eating and watching the wild swimmers.

We took the longest walk to get chips and I think it was definitely worth it.

Once we made it home, we warmed up with hot chocolate and the Repair Shop, which is genuinely one of her very favourite things.

We will have a gentler day tomorrow but we will definitely make time to Stroll for Simba. Which is another way for me to say thanks.

https://www.justgiving.com/page/carolynne-murphy-3?newPage=true

The best laid plans of mice and men…frequently fall by the wayside when you are two Daft gals on a mission.

Only sort of in our case today though.

Daddy Daftie is away this week for work so it’s just the girls, left to our own devices. I have always been a huge advocate for routine being a great resource, a grand comfort, when raising a Wee Daftie. And I still do.

Except on holidays.

Holidays mean anything can happen. We still need to brush our teeth. And eat some decent fuel in amongst the treats. Bed has to happen at a reasonable time so we can enjoy the tomorrow’s adventure as much as today’s. But we can also disregard time and just go with flow.

The plan for today was to walk to the Botanic Gardens and wander about them a bit and be home in time for lunch. So we left our house, equipped with explorers’ gear (binoculars) and artists’ bits and pieces (notebooks and pens)

We walked a more direct route this morning and told stories as we walked in the midmorning sun.

We had a good explore around before picking a lovely bench in the sunshine to create at. Wee Daftie, armed with her binoculars, pens, pencils and paper sketched the trees, herself and the flowers. I sat on the bench, wrote some and watched my girl just enjoy her surroundings.

She twirled, she danced, she giggled, and she tried to catch falling petals in her hat. She named all the ducks we saw.

We were thinking about heading home when we saw a school friend of hers out with her mum, whom I also know slightly.

This is where I am grateful for the flexibility of holiday time. It is really freeing to just say “Yes. We can stay longer.” So we did. Wee Daftie and her friend got to have some time together. I got to get to know another mum better than I knew her yesterday. We discovered we live incredibly close to each other, so we walked home together when it was time to leave.

The whole “getting home in time for lunch” thing didn’t happen as we returned to our front door at 4pm but it was a really super day. We walked with friends for Simba today and we even remembered to put suncream on our faces this morning!

Tomorrow Wee Daftie has a friend coming to play in the morning so I’m not quite sure, yet, when we will get our stroll on. But I know that we will. We’re on a roll now and there is no stopping us!

https://www.justgiving.com/page/carolynne-murphy-3?newPage=true

After our attempt to have a picnic on Friday after school was scuppered by the grim and grey weather and the necessity of transporting a handmade motte and bailey model home, when we saw the forecast for today we felt much more hopeful.

I do try to read the weather forecast, though I seldom trust them. I think this is mainly due to Edinburgh’s recurring habit of hosting all four seasons in one afternoon. Thankfully, today I was pleasantly surprised by the forecast and its accuracy and planned a wander and a picnic for lunch.

But first, a scoot!

Even though we are on Easter holidays, I am trying to keep up my running routine. Which I have been managing to do while Wee Daftie is at school as I’m currently off work.

My paid employment job is as an Early Years Assistant (I qualified as a Practitioner in July 2024) at a local primary school. However, I haven’t been to work since November and I’m won’t be back til some time after the Easter holidays. My work has been incredibly supportive. I am so thankful as I need to be the best version of myself for the kids I work with and I’m still a good way off from where I need to be. Getting there but definitely not there yet. I am so grateful to have this time to work on myself and I don’t take it for granted.

It has meant, though, that my running has been a very solo project and now I need to work out how to include Wee Daftie in it, on days that it’s just the two of us.

So why not have a scooting companion?

And no, I definitely didn’t keep pace with her. Honestly, I didn’t even try!

After a good scoot, a decent run and hanging up some washing, we packed a picnic and headed off for the warm embrace of Inverleith Park.

We have had countless trips here over the years. Meeting up with friends, kicking footballs, playing in the playground and, most often for us, visiting the duck pond. It was high on the hill overlooking the pond where we made camp for the afternoon.

We ate our picnic, we played Dobble, Wee Daftie fed the ducks, coots and moorhens some corn, we basked in the sun and we read a book together.

Talking about not taking things for granted. These moments. I don’t take them for granted. My girl is 8 and growing up tall, strong, empathic, daft and resilient. She is courageous and kind. And she won’t always want to sit in the sun and read together. I mean, she might. But the unknown of the future is a gift, even if it feels uncertain or uneasy. So whatever we may do together in the future doesn’t matter right now as I want to enjoy what we do in the present.

And today was great. I think we both might have caught some of the sunshine on our noses. Happy days. We walked, ran and scooted for Simba and it was great.

Long may the sun shine.

https://www.justgiving.com/page/carolynne-murphy-3?newPage=true

Sundays in the Daft Family Household are generally a lazy, homebody kind of a day. There are times when we will head out and do things or see friends but, frequently, if there is nothing “to do” we will do nothing.

And it’s great.

Today, however, we definitely had things to do. Namely, Stroll for Simba.

The morning was gorgeous and chilly. We bundled up a bit but still needed sunglasses (my very favourite sunglasses and scarf kind of day) and headed off a wee bit after breakfast.

I had been for a run recently along Lower Granton Road, towards Wardie Bay, and noticed that some people were installing some things and I wanted to investigate! Wee Daftie loves a good detective story so was up for a snoop too. And Wardie Bay is great for throwing stones so there was something for all the family!

We walked along the Granton Breakwater, starting at Corinthians Quay, stopping at Wardie Bay and then headed up onto the Edinburgh cycle path network again. Along the grassy banks, there are stones that have been carved with words and symbols. It’s a memorial of sorts to Covid times. We stopped and read each one as we remembered how we walked up and down this very road 5 years ago when we were only allowed out once a day for exercise. It’s crazy when you think about it. I know it was important and we did our very best…but it also seems like some kind of odd dream sequence where nothing made sense.

Which I guess it was.

Doing things like this as a family is so bittersweet these days. My two Dafties who walked beside me today are my very favourite people. They have both played a huge role in helping me be the person I am today. They both, foolishly, have unwavering faith in me and my schemes and never fail to show up.

They have both supported me in their own unique ways since November. For an 8 year old, Wee Daftie has rivers of empathy running through her. And Daddy Daftie has just let me be and feel whatever I’ve needed to in each moment. I really wish I could share these two amazing humans with Saoirse. But I also know that she wouldn’t want us to stop being the Daft Family Household because of grief and sadness.

We walked today for Simba but we will continue to move forward every day for Saoirse.

Daddy Daftie is off away next week for work so it will just be the girls hanging out and having adventures for the next few walks. And boy do I have some fun planned! We’re also hoping to do some crafting and Wee Daftie is having a friend come to visit.

Great times ahead.

Now to have some dinner to refuel after today’s escapades and then rest for tomorrow’s!

https://www.justgiving.com/page/carolynne-murphy-3?newPage=true

Today we had to be clever about our walk as Wee Daftie has a dance class she attends on a Saturday morning so we had to plan around that. It’s not super close to our house but it’s a class she really enjoys so it is definitely worth the trek.

Daddy Daftie and I had a wee meander around the Gyle Centre, which bolstered the steps a wee bit but we needed to do our proper, purposeful, walk after lunch. So we decided to explore the renovations to the old gas works along Granton Waterfront.

We’ve lived in Granton, or the Edinburgh Riviera as I like to call it, for all of Wee Daftie’s life so it was quite fun to have a dander down to see what they had done. It had been wrapped up in canvas and scaffolding for a good chuck of time as it had been cleaned, mended, painted and polished. They have also added an open table tennis table, lots of benches, a couple of recliners, nice green space and some playground toys. Balance beams, small slides, that kind of thing.

It’s not huge but it is nice. And a really good use of the space. I believe they do small pop up events too but, honestly, it has been a work in progress for so long that I kind of forgot it was there. Despite the size of the thing.

Wee Daftie had a grand old time balancing on stuff, jumping off other bits, climbing through things. It was a lovely way to rack up the step count. We then went to visit the local ducks on the pond, before heading home for some hot chocolate and a film with Daddy Daftie. Not a bad day at all and a lovely step count to boot. Happy days.

I want to talk a little bit about why Simba is important. Not only to our family but to so many others in Scotland. They honour baby loss and they do this in three very beautiful, very meaningful, very supportive ways. They make memory boxes, they have memorial trees of tranquility and, most importantly, they have bereavement rooms in maternity hospitals. Saoirse and I stayed in the room in Simpson’s Centre after she arrived. We had three days, two nights, together in a private room off the wards and it was an absolute blessing.

Having the room gave us time together. It had space for Daddy Daftie to come and be with us. It is close enough for the midwives and doctors to keep an eye on me, but not totally in the thick of the postnatal wards. It is beautifully decorated, comfortable and oddly welcoming, for a hospital room to spend time in at what could be considered the worst and most alienating times of my life.

And we have Simba to thank for it. They have helped fund and install rooms all over Scotland. It is awful that these rooms are even needed but I am eternally grateful to have had that time with Saoirse. Was it enough? Of course not but it was more than I may have had, if it hadn’t been created.

I’m not even going to pretend that I remember everything that was in the memory box we were given but I can say that it was all handmade, thoughtful and a means to create a memory with our baby that won’t be able to make her own. There were two purple bears in our box. We took one for Saoirse and one for Wee Daftie so that they would be able to share one tangible thing. Saoirse’s bear stayed with her and Wee Daftie called hers Penelope.

It’s not much.

But it’s a lot.

So thank you Simba for helping us make and keep memories with Saoirse. Thank you for helping other families do the same.

Who we are

https://www.justgiving.com/page/carolynne-murphy-3?newPage=true

Today was the last day of school for Wee Daftie before the Easter holidays so I didn’t want to plan anything too ambitious for us to do today as she may have been tired and excited all bundled into one daft ball. So we had the idea of repeating our walk from Tuesday, just with a small stop at Inverleith Park for a picnic first.

With this in mind, after I dropped her to school, I went for my (hopefully turning into) usual Friday morning run, did a few chores and headed back to get her at 12.20pm.

This picnic plan would have been ideal if it weren’t for two things. One, the day’s weather didn’t echo the bright and sunny forecast at all. And two, Wee Daftie had her castle art and craft project to bring home. It’s a fab motte and bailey structure, all gloriously crafted from cardboard, paper mache and paint. It is brilliant. It’s also not what you would describe as “portable”.

So we did what we Daft girls do best. We improvise!

Part of our planned walk included Wee Daftie picking some flowers for Saoirse. Every now and then, she’ll find a nice twig or sprig on the ground and put it on the shelf where we have Saoirse’s scatter jar. It’s super cute and I love that she wants to take care of her little sister.

Seeing that we now had to drop off her castle project at home before heading out for our walk, we decided to get a bus to a local shopping precinct, have a wee cafe lunch and then walk home, searching for wild flowers on the way.

We are so fortunate in Edinburgh to have a network of walking and cycling paths around the city, all the way from Leith to Balerno. You can walk all of it, some of it, smalls bits the run alongside the water, other bits that connect over road bridges. Since having Wee Daftie in 2016 and living on the northside of Edinburgh, we have enjoyed the paths all year round, in all the weather. Sometimes all in the same day. They are green and quiet, even when busy. They are one of my very places to get lost in, even though I know them as well as I know myself.

We played an ABC animal game as we walked and Wee Daftie found a lush patch of wild daffodils and chose the best 4; one for each member of our family, as she said herself. When we got home, she carefully added them to my Mother’s Day roses. Aren’t they perfect?

Another day well done, thanks to a running session, a wandering expedition and a whole lot of chattering. We have some fun walks planned for the next couple of weeks and I have plenty more to talk about.

Looking forward to walking with you soon.

https://www.justgiving.com/page/carolynne-murphy-3?newPage=true

Seeing as we are starting the Easter holidays next week, tomorrow being the last day of school, I figured our walk today could be another easy one. I say easy and I say walk. What I mean is Wee Daftie took her scooter and I padded along behind. And when I say behind…well you’ll see the photographic evidence soon enough.

Wee Daftie’s school isn’t in our catchment school so we generally get a bus. We have walked and we have scooted before but we don’t generally. It’s not very far, Google maps will tell you 28 minutes by foot so it’s actually a nice distance to cover.

It’s not the most glamorous of walks to take. A lot of main roads, traffic and pedestrian crossings don’t really make for a very scenic journey. Thankfully, she’s so far ahead that I just pop my headphones and catch-up with her on the occasional corner.

I sometimes think it must be weird being 8 years old. Or, rather, it must be weird being MY 8 year old. I’m not openly calling her odd by any means, but she’s at a funny age where she is so capable of doing many things, but she still needs an adult (usually me) to be there. I watched her cross roads, safely, from a distance, and she does the things that you need to do before crossing. She knows very well how to do it.

And yet, it definitely wouldn’t be appropriate for her to get herself to school in the mornings.

Don’t get me wrong, she absolutely could. Walking or scooting or even bussing. She just probably shouldn’t. We’re not far from that next milestone, though.

After scooting home from school, we watered the plants in our garden and made some dinner together.

I love being her Mam. I love the things we do together. I am grateful and I don’t take it for granted. Doing the simple things together has been a huge motivator in learning to live with loss. I’m sad for the things that we won’t get to do as a family of four but I know I’m blessed for the things we can and do do together, how we are now.

With all the scooting, pottering, cooking and dancing about the kitchen, we hit are steps target for another day. Three days down and feeling excited for another day and more little adventures.

https://www.justgiving.com/page/carolynne-murphy-3?newPage=true

Today’s…adventure? Expedition? Venture? Definitely not a stroll…eh…let’s try again.

For today’s part of the challenge, it was a solo effort from me. Wee Daftie has school and then drama after school so it’s a long day for her. I figured I’d handle today by myself.

Before I dive into this blog, I want to address a little as to the motivation for this fundraising. Please be aware it may not be easy to read and it could be triggering for some as it involves infant loss but I also need to be honest and transparent.

On 20th November 2024, Saoirse Lowe was born still. She lived 24 weeks or so inside me, hidden away, until I went into labour on a Wednesday morning. She is my and Daddy Daftie’s second daughter, Wee Daftie’s little sister, but she won’t grow up with us. And it sucks.

I have a whole month of walking and talking ahead of me so I won’t be sharing the full story today. There are so many reasons for this. Mainly it will take a long time and I have a bad habit of leaning into tangents. As hard as it can be to talk about loss, I’ve learnt these past few months that for many, it can be hard to hear about loss. So we’ll get through this together, bit by bit, day by day. Which is exactly how we are dealing with losing Saoirse as a family.

In January, I needed to do something. I needed a focus. The first few weeks after her stillbirth were a blur existing in survival mode while postpartum. I recognised that I couldn’t do that forever but I didn’t know what I needed to focus on instead. Hello Couch to 5k. I’ve never been a runner but having a solo project that got me out of the house, that gave me something that, rumour has it, is good for mental health as well as physical seemed ideal.

The downside was it involved running.

I completed the 9 week program three weeks ago and have been trying to keep consistent with running (plodding) three times a week. So that is exactly how I managed our 10,000 steps today. I did just under 5k in the lovely springy sunshine, which I am super proud of.

Running, even as slow as I go, has been good for me. My brain is a busy place at the best of times so having these times during the week where I can either choose to focus on just the task in front or let my thoughts spin has been great. I used the BBC’s Couch to 5k app and I had the very excellent Steve Cram as my coach. He was so encouraging and kept reminding me of why I started running (loping) in the first place. I have openly sobbed while running and it’s honestly been fine. Not for everyone, probably, but I have found a strength in myself I haven’t felt for a while. I’ve been reminded of what my body and I am capable of. I still don’t love it. But I recognise its benefit to me and my journey to living with loss.

Thanks for reading today. Not all posts will be miserable but plenty will be! I’ve always thought myself as a joyful person and even though there is no joy in loss, it is definitely possible for the two things to live concurrently. I can live with the loss of Saoirse while still trying to find and enjoy the many other joys I have.

https://www.justgiving.com/page/carolynne-murphy-3?newPage=true

If anyone reading this has known me over the past 8 or so years, you’ll know that occasionally I’ll do a bit of fundraising.

In March 2017, with Wee Daftie strapped to my front and back, I walked for Cancer Research in support of a good Mammy Mate of mine who was diagnosed with breast cancer, only a few months after giving birth to her daughter.

We did it again the following year.

And the year after that.

In January 2021, Wee Daftie and I walked the length and bredth of Edinburgh (during the second lockdown so we did it all very safely and socially distantly) in support of Refuge.

This April, my girl and I will be Strolling for Simba. A beautiful Scottish charity who help to support and provide comfort to parents and families who experience the loss of a baby. I will be taking more about why this charity is so important to me in due course but I wanted to start our current challenge off on a happy foot, as it were.

Usually, the target for each challenge is to walk 10,000 steps per day for the whole month. So we’re going to aim for that, or thereabouts, this time round.

I decided that we would start with a small (ish) walk with a very achievable goal of waking home from school.

The weather was the spring dream of blue skies, sun on your skin and a nice chill in the shade. Armed with a camera, a sunhat and a rabbit called Jacinta we were off!

We could have walked up the hill, past the Western General, but where is the fun in that? If we’re going to raise money for charity, we may as well do it properly!

We took the long, lovely, scenic road home along part of the Water of Leith. We left Comely Bank, went through Inverleith Park (waved at the aquatic antics of the birds as we passed), walked the paths through Canonmills and home past Goldenacre.

These are paths I know so well. We have walked them together since Wee Daftie was born so it is always fun to have a nosy, spot a squirrel and chat as we make our way through some of my favourite bits of Edinburgh.

It always amazes me how busy, yet quiet, the paths can be. And I never tire of the views.

We hit our target, according to my fitness app at least, as we turned the corner to home. Just in time to make dinner and rest our limbs.

An utterly perfect start to what will be a very meaningful month of meandering.

Thanks for supporting us. As I say, I will talk more about why Simba is important in general but also specifically to the Daft Family Household.

We’d love you to donate, to share, to read and to walk with us. We appreciate all the help and support we get.

Day One done. Happy Wee and Not-So-Wee Dafties!

This is our fundraising link. Feel free to use it! 

https://www.justgiving.com/page/carolynne-murphy-3?utm_medium=FR&utm_source=CL