And we’re done. 30 days of purposeful walking, just about 350,000 active steps done in total. (I only had my phone for tracking so my passive “doing chores” steps are undocumented) Currently £743 raised! Amazing, amazing, amazing.

I’ll keep the account of our walk short and sweet. I started today’s tally by going for my usual Wednesday run, which was okay in fact. And then some pottering til it came time to pick Wee Daftie up from school.

Usually, on a Wednesday, Wee Daftie has drama after school but the class wasn’t on this week which was disappointing of course but also good for me as it gave us an opportunity for a lovely walk in the evening.

The weather was stunning this evening so we walked ourselves down to Wardie Bay for a walk along the pier. We used to live down here, before we moved in December 2023, so we have walked this pier countless times but I genuinely don’t think I’ve ever walked it in weather this glorious.

We wander down past the fishers, the runners, the strollers and the leg danglers all the way to the end and then back home, via our local chipper for a celebratory tea!

We have walked, run, scooted and laughed our way through this month and the challenge. We have had support from folk walking with us, donating, cheering and sending words of encouragement and love. And we are eternally grateful.

Despite my sadness, grief and loss I am grateful. I have been so surrounded and supported through the most awful thing I can imagine happening. I have connected and reconnected with new and old friends. I have shared my story with others and had stories shared in return. I have learned things about myself I didn’t think I needed to know.

I’m not the same as I was before but I’m not entirely different. And that’s okay.

I think that’s all I want to say today. Aside from thank you. To everyone who supported us. Who cared for us. To my Daft Family Household. And, of course, my Saoirse.

I’ll leave you with this last thing that I wrote.

Running Through Rivers

I come to the mouth of a river.

It looks dark, cold and unfriendly

I try to turn back but

Something…

Holds between my shoulders

Pushing me precariously forward

Closer, closer to the edge.

I don’t want to go in.

I don’t want to be here.

My heels dig in but the ground moves beneath me.

But it’s not the mud and silt moving.

I can’t go left, right. Or up, down.

I can’t escape the deep undulating below.

And suddenly I am in it.

I don’t remember falling

But I feel it all around me.

Soaking my skin to the bone.

My muscles seizing as everything goes dim.

Wave upon wave upon wave washing over me

Crashing around me

Pulling under, dragging me down.

I don’t know what to do.

I flounder, I panic, desperate.

Desperately trying to manoeuvre through the gloom.

Maybe I can move this blanket aboveme instead.

I am soaked. I am lost. I am losing…

Losing my grip, my footing – my mind.

Something small is helping me forward.

I don’t feel it. Not a first.

Can’t feel anything.

Still I struggle on, fighting with myself

Trying to turn back though I can’t.

Trying to succumb to the damp, though I won’t.

I can’t really move anywhere

But I know I’m not completely still.

As suddenly as the river was upon me

I find a breath, gasping at the respite.

My head barely above the surface,

My shoulders weighted down.

I can see pinches of light

But they don’t seem real.

They are fleeting and manufactured.

On and on I struggle

On and on and on and…and…

I didn’t notice the day that only my feet were in the river,

It must have happened so slowly.

But my feet will always be wet.

That little something is still pushing me forward

And I can see hand outstretched to catch

To pull me out of the depths.

But my feet will always be wet.

The river ebbs and flows

Pulses, rises, falls.

Some parts are deeper and murkier

And it can still be hard to be there at all.

Others, the water is warm

And the air is bright.

But my feet will always be wet.

What do you do when the sun is shining and you have a Wee Daftie in your life? You go walk beside some water while looking for birds.

Naturally.

I picked Wee Daftie up from school, brandishing a snack and a drink, so that we could shadow the walk I did last Wednesday. Which also mirrored our very first walk together at the start of the month.

It all seemed very fitting.

And bird laden.

For as long as I have had my girl, we have been walking together. From walking with her in sling, to the trike, her reigns, to just her long, strong legs we have put in some miles together. And often these walks came with a side of nature. Intentional or not.

I’ve had an app on my phone called Seek for years and we still use it on walks to identify the beautiful bits around us we don’t instantly recognise. We used it today in fact to discover some Spanish bluebells, garlic mustard and hogweed. Delightful.

Our walk took us through Stockbridge, along Warriston, around St Mark’s Park, down to the weir and back along the cycle network to home.

My girl and I smashed our steps by the time we got home and had a gorgeous time, chatting, laughing and bird spotting. In no particular order we saw mallards, moorhens, coots, herons, rubber duckies, a dipper, pigeons galore and a lone blackbird. We heard many other chirps and squawks from the hedgerows but I can’t possible comment as to what they were. But they were loud and lovely. Cheering us on, no doubt.

It’s been an absolute honour raising money in such a meaningful way. Walking with my Wee Daftie while finding a way to say thank you to those strangers who supported us? Yes please.

We have one more day to go and I know we’ll smash it. I’ll need to tally our final totals but we’ve done well and it feels great.

So, one last time, let’s get ready to Stroll with Simba.

https://www.justgiving.com/page/carolynne-murphy-3?newPage=true

This really will be a really quick one today.

I have a feeling that whenever I think that, I end up writing a novella.

However, as we are approaching our final three days, I have taken a tried and tested plan for our steps today.

After my coughy-cold last week, I was honestly quite nervous to try and run today.

This is such a new habit that I am trying to create and maintain so having a week off was actually quite daunting. I mean, it was a week off for good cause. It’s definitely not recommended to run when you’re having issues with breathing.

However, my inner voice just kept reminding me that a couple of months ago I wouldn’t have even considered doing this so any movement is progress. Especially if that movement is in a forward kind of direction.

I had my usual playlist. I had my usual route. I had my usual braids and hairband. I was ready.

Sort of.

Kind of.

I didn’t manage my full usual run in one piece but I did get it done in two, with a 5 minute walk in the middle.

Steps smashed, confidence cautiously creeping back up, happy days.

Two more to go!

https://www.justgiving.com/page/carolynne-murphy-3?newPage=true

Who we are

We had a slow start to our day, which was nice. Wee Daftie even managed to sleep in a bit which is very uncharacteristic but generally welcome!

When she did wake up, she woke well and happy.

Daddy Daftie was off out for the day, catching up with a friend, so we took our time getting organised and just kind of chilled out, while watching a great little documentary about pangolins. Specifically one pangolin called Kulu. Such gorgeous little creatures. Definitely check out the Pangolin: Kulu’s Journey on Netflix.

We headed into town after lunch so that we could walk through Prince’s St Gardens and admire the blossoms. Spring is a lovely time in the city and the gardens always look stunning. From the blossoms in the trees, the tulips and marigolds lining the sides, there is just a sense of joy and peace about it.

Midway through the gardens we stopped outside the galleries to listen to two chaps busking.

They were really good. Wee Daftie got so excited when she heard the music, but couldn’t quite locate it, that she literally ran from the bottom of the gardens, up the steps and right up to where they were playing.

I caught up with her, red-faced and delighted with herself. We stayed for a couple of tunes before heading along the west part of the gardens.

After we stopped at all the statues, including Wojtek the Bear, Wee Daftie had a run through the playpark. I say that. What I really mean is that she went up and down the slide until she was dizzy. Which mean only one thing. Refreshments were needed!

We stopped at the cafe in Waterstones for a cold drink and to share some cake. The carrot cake was delicious.

With a quick stop to look at some books, we headed home and were back in time for dinner with our step target hit. Always a satisfying feeling.

A simple and lovely day.

Three more to go!

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I’ve never really been a “living for the weekend” kind of an adult.

Growing up, life was very routine based. Happily so. Weekdays was for school, Wednesday evenings were for Musikids (my church’s youth club for primary aged kids), swimming was on a Thursday, Saturday was generally for hockey, friends and part-time jobs, Sundays were for church in the morning, Grandad coming for lunch and tea on our knees in the evening.

When I became an adult and started my own jobs, I happened to fall into and then choose hospitality as my career path so all notions of weekends really didn’t mean much. Weekends generally meant work and my days off tended to centre around Wednesdays.

And now that I am part of the Daft Family Household, life has become happily routine-y again.

This time with weekdays for school and drama on Wednesday, Saturday for dance and shopping and Sundays for anything else.

Seeing as the weather was perfectly inclement today, we scooped Wee Daftie up after dance and had an afternoon of mooching, racking up steps as we window shopped our way through a shopping centre.

So in lieu of our walking story today not being that enthralling, let’s chat about one of my very favourite things.

I’m not going to go through all whole back story of how this gem came to be. Nor am I going to list all her glorious attributes. What I will do is chat about how she has been dealing with her loss. Because she has lost a little sister as much as we have lost a daughter.

All my girl has ever wanted was to be a big sister. For an only child and the youngest cousin, she has a kindness and patience for younger kids that is rare and beautiful. And she would be a brilliant big sister. No doubt in my mind at all.

It was really hard telling her what had happened.

She had been asleep when I was taken to the hospital by ambulance. Daddy Daftie took her to school as normal, explaining that I had been taken to hospital but that I was okay. I mean, we didn’t really know but we didn’t want to worry her until we knew what was going on.

I stayed in the hospital with Saoirse from Wednesday morning til Friday afternoon. Daddy Daftie came to stay while Wee Daftie was at school, at drama, at friends’ houses. (Her besties’ mammies are two very dear friends of mine who have been incredible to all three of us)

I didn’t want Daddy Daftie to have to bear the burden of telling Wee Daftie what had happened alone so we decided to tell her on the Friday when I was home and we could face it all as a family.

It’s really hard knowing you are going to break your 8 year old’s heart. I don’t recommend it.

She reacted exactly as I thought she would. As I knew she would. Just the three of us crying and trying to explain something that truly can’t be explained or reasoned or justified.

Her resilience and empathy have been outstanding. I’ve always been proud of her. It is very, very easy to be. But the way she has…existed through all this has been phenomenal.

She would see I was sad and would just cuddle up to me. She picks flowers and puts them beside Saoirse’s urn on the shelf. She wants to be the one to water the rose in the garden. She chose to come to the service we had for Saoirse. She has been brave and honest in her feelings. She has told people about her little sister. Not lots of people, just safe people, but she had told them.

We brought Saoirse to Dublin together and she helped scatter some of her. It was windy and wild with waves. Some of Saoirse flew before she landed safely in the sea.

I said to Wee Daftie, “Do you think she’ll be happy here?”

“Of course. She’s a mermaid now.”

I know I call her daft. And it is because she absolutely is. She is silly and funny and bouncy and twirly and magically, unapologetically 8 years old. But she is also kind, clever, resilient, tenacious and empathic to her core.

I don’t like that we have to go through this together but I am so glad that we have each other. And Daddy Daftie too of course.

Our steps target was happily met by the time we got home in time for tea.

Daddy Daftie is out for a jaunt tomorrow so the girls will have to tend to our own fun. I have a plan but it is very much weather dependent! So let’s cross fingers and toes for sunshine!

26 days done, only 4 left to go. Happy days.

https://www.justgiving.com/page/carolynne-murphy-3?newPage=true

I almost forgot to write today’s entry! But, thankfully for all concerned, I didn’t.

Wee Daftie has a half day on a Friday so it seemed like a fun opportunity to have lunch in town and get our steps in while enjoying the Museum.

We have visited this museum regularly since my girl has been old enough to walk. There was definitely a time where we would visit and she would literally spend her time climbing up and down the stairs.

I’m not being colourful or trying to be endearing. I have very real and fond memories of toddler Daftie, still on her reigns, tasking her little legs up and down the stairs. I think we once did the same staircase several times over a twenty minute period.

That doesn’t sound like a lot but, trust me, it really, really is when you don’t know when it will end.

But isn’t that just parenting? Not really knowing how long the latest phase will last for? Sleeping well, sleeping badly, clusterfeeding, the witching hour, loving Thomas the Tank Engine, being afraid of ants, teething, loving pasta, hating pasta, loving eggs, hating eggs, loving pasta again…I think I’ve made my point with all my very real examples of things I’ve been through since becoming a Mammy.

We had a really lovely two and then some hours mooching around the museum. We don’t really explore so much anymore as we both know it so well. And the favourite part I think changes with each visit.

Today we both really enjoyed the fashion, clothing and textile section and learning how to build a pyramid in the Ancient Egyptian bit.

We started heading for home once we had seen all we wanted to today. We know we can always come back so nothing is ever really missed. It was a lovely afternoon for walking so we took the long way to the bus, while admiring the blossoms in Prince’s St Gardens.

I may have mentioned it before but I love Edinburgh.

We made it home in good time for a chat with my sister and youngest niece before dinner and the Repair Shop with Daddy Daftie.

Can’t believe we only have a handful of days to go. I have a lovely idea for our last walk on Wednesday and I have some other plans hopefully afoot (pun intended).

Thanks for walking with so far. Let’s make the last few days really count!

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Keeping things short today for a couple of reasons. The main one being our walk today was very uneventful as it was another scoot/walk to school where I keep a solid distance behind Wee Daftie as she rockets to and from her school.

Another being that my coughy-cold isn’t worse, as such, but my throat now hurts a bit (dramatic eye roll) so I’ve been taking it easy.

Another being that Wee Daftie was so far away from me on our walk that I took zero photos of her today as she whizzed along.

Our walking and scooting to school absolutely hits our step target (with some pottering about to boost it a bit) and I am beyond proud of how well she does crossing the roads and dinging her bell as she zips past folk.

But it doesn’t make for a very interesting story.

We never had a garden in our flat so being here, with not only grass but space to grow, it such a blessing.

I’m still yet to be convinced that I am alright at this gardening thing as my history with houseplants is less than desirable. I like a good true crime as much as the next person but let me just say that I am glad they don’t make them over the misuse of plants. I’m not neglectful, as such. More…forgetful? Which is definitely different. I promise.

The garden, however, so far so green. And to lean fully into stereotypes, we are growing potatoes.

Another low key but successful day, quietly raising more money for charity.

We have a day out planned tomorrow after school and hopefully some fun over the weekend. I can’t believe how close we are to the end of our month of walking. But we are definitely not done yet!

https://www.justgiving.com/page/carolynne-murphy-3?newPage=true

As feared, my little coughy/cold has gotten coughier and achier. Which is less than desirable.

BUT you can’t keep a good girl down (a wise woman? A fantastical female? A meandering Mammy? A daring Daftie?) so after dropping Wee Daftie to school, I took myself off on a (slow) walk (slowly).

As her school is in Comely Bank, I decided to walk my through Stockbridge, down by the water and St Mark’s Park and loop back to home.

I do love walking and, in general, I do like having time to myself.

I used to take myself off on holidays before Wee Daftie came along. Nothing fancy, just a city break somewhere where I could put my headphones on, my feet into shoes and just explore a new place. Occasionally, get lost in a new place.

Since November, I have struggled to be alone with my thoughts though. When I’m at home, and the other two are out at school and work, I have plenty to do. I have chores to do. I can read. I create something. I can potter in our garden. I can plan things.

When I’m out and walking, by myself, it is a lot harder to calm the noises inside my brain. It is a very busy place in there some times. Often this is great as it means I can be one step ahead of life and get my ducks in a row. More recently, I find myself thinking back instead of thinking forward and that can be hard.

So what has helped me navigate loss and try to still my mind these last 6 months?

Music. I always have music playing. Miserable, sad, angry music has helped a lot. I still can’t listen to the songs we played at Saoirse’s service without feeling overwhelmed but maybe one day. Fallout Boy, my eternal loves, have gotten me through my running sessions. When I say I run to music, feel free to read that as my playlist comprising of predominantly Fallout Boy tunes.

Running has helped. Which has surprised me no end. I felt odd not running today but my lungs absolutely would have been happy with me.

Running, specifically, with Steve Cram as my coach on the Couch to 5k app I used. He has been amazing. It is such a weird thing to feel a connection with what is essentially a disembodied voice but, honestly, when his prerecorded snippets are telling me how great I am and how far I’ve come, it is very hard not to believe fully that me and Steve are now best buds.

Aside from my new and imaginary bestie, my real life friends and family have been incredible. From my sisters checking in on me daily, to my Dad coming to visit in December and insisting we take in a show while he was over. From my Mam and sister messaging Daddy Daftie scripture and checking in on him too, to my friends in the school ground who let me trauma dump on them and take care of Wee Daftie when we needed time. The friends who let me cry and those I made cry.

The incredible NHS staff. From the paramedics to the midwives, the consultants, the support staff, my own GP, the bereavement team. Any words of gratitude I have are so insignificant. For someone who barely shuts up, I am at loss when it comes to explaining just to thankful I am for their kindness, care, jokes, support, words and love. Remembering that time, as traumatic as parts of it were, I genuinely feel better when I remember the compassion we were shown.

H & W Harkess who looked after our service for Saoirse. I will never forget their care and support. Or the look on her face when we were talking about our song choices.

My work for letting me not be there. To be given the time to cope, process and heal is a privilege that not everyone is gifted. I love my job and the team I work with and knowing they don’t want me back until I am ready, has helped hugely.

My two Dafties. I would not be who I am without them. They are such silly sausages and I wouldn’t change them.

And finally, my Saoirse. Those three days we had in the hospital are priceless. And even though it makes me feel a sadness and pain I didn’t think possible, I am weirdly grateful for the short time we had. I move forward with her because I can’t go back. I live openly and honestly for my three Dafties. One of them doesn’t walk on the earth but I know we all are together and that has definitely helped.

My walk this morning was a good one. It smashed our step count and it sent me on a walk through some of my favourite bits of Edinburgh…just in time to do some washing! The joys.

Tomorrow is another day and I hope my cough is less coughier and my aches are less achey. Either way, Wee Daftie and I will do some Strolling for Simba as we start our final 7 days!

https://www.justgiving.com/page/carolynne-murphy-3?newPage=true

Some days are easier than others. Some days are better than others. Some days you wake up and think, “Whyyyyyyy?!”

Today was some days.

I don’t know if I picked up something on our trip or I’m just a bit run down but my limbs were heavy, my sinuses felt stuffy and my motivation was a bit low.

But, as with everything, life goes on. Daddy Daftie needed to get to work, Wee Daftie had to get to school so I needed to get out of bed.

I don’t like being ill at the best of times but I really don’t enjoy it now I’m a parent. I find it hard to switch off and really rest as there is always something to do. However, these past few months I have become very aware that I really do need to stop and take time to heal occasionally. Even though I’m not great at it. I am definitely trying and I am learning.

So I did a lot less than I planned today. I took Wee Daftie to school, I ate some breakfast, I meal prepped some bits for the week, I finished knitting a llama…and that was it.

And I do feel better. Sort of.

Wee Daftie and I took our walk before dinner today. The day was a little grey but not cold and actually pretty optimum for a wander.

We took the road down past these statues, towards Lower Granton Road and then back. Not the most exciting or creative of our walks but it did me some good, it helped us hit our step count and we had a lot of fun making up stories as we went.

Wee Daftie has a long day of school and drama ahead of her tomorrow and I am meant to be running but I need to see how my lungs, aches and pains are faring! Fingers crossed an early night with some decent rest will serve me well.

Another day done, not as big or long or fast but every step counts so I am proud of our efforts. Just over a week to go!

https://www.justgiving.com/page/carolynne-murphy-3?utm_medium=FR&utm_source=CL

Today will be quite a quick one as we had a long day of travelling and getting ready for the back to school adventure tomorrow! Wee Daftie likes school so it isn’t really a hardship to get organised for it.

We had a lovely breakfast in Windermere before heading to the Beatrix Potter Experience just down the road from where we were staying.

It is a lovely little museum and exhibition about the story of Beatrix’s life and the stories she wrote and illustrated.

Wee Daftie is very familiar with the story of Peter Rabbit but not all of her stories so it was such fun to head around the installation and learn more.

We had a small booklet to fill in…well. I’m pretty sure it was designed for the kids to do but the three of us had a grand old time working together to solve all the clues.

I think the best bit was in the little garden itself. It is a beautiful space, growing real plants and flowers, with clues, hints and her beloved characters interspersed throughout.

After exploring and solving we headed to the car to start our journey home.

We only had such a short trip to the Lake District but we managed to do so much, to see so many beautiful things and had the very best time.

Thanks to a walk in the rain, the exhibition and doing the weekly shop, we managed to get our step target done for the day. Which is always great news!

Here’s two three full weeks done and just nine more days left of our challenge! Can’t believe we are here already and I can’t wait to see where our steps will take us next.

https://www.justgiving.com/page/carolynne-murphy-3?newPage=true