23rd April 2025

As feared, my little coughy/cold has gotten coughier and achier. Which is less than desirable.

BUT you can’t keep a good girl down (a wise woman? A fantastical female? A meandering Mammy? A daring Daftie?) so after dropping Wee Daftie to school, I took myself off on a (slow) walk (slowly).

As her school is in Comely Bank, I decided to walk my through Stockbridge, down by the water and St Mark’s Park and loop back to home.

I do love walking and, in general, I do like having time to myself.

I used to take myself off on holidays before Wee Daftie came along. Nothing fancy, just a city break somewhere where I could put my headphones on, my feet into shoes and just explore a new place. Occasionally, get lost in a new place.

Since November, I have struggled to be alone with my thoughts though. When I’m at home, and the other two are out at school and work, I have plenty to do. I have chores to do. I can read. I create something. I can potter in our garden. I can plan things.

When I’m out and walking, by myself, it is a lot harder to calm the noises inside my brain. It is a very busy place in there some times. Often this is great as it means I can be one step ahead of life and get my ducks in a row. More recently, I find myself thinking back instead of thinking forward and that can be hard.

So what has helped me navigate loss and try to still my mind these last 6 months?

Music. I always have music playing. Miserable, sad, angry music has helped a lot. I still can’t listen to the songs we played at Saoirse’s service without feeling overwhelmed but maybe one day. Fallout Boy, my eternal loves, have gotten me through my running sessions. When I say I run to music, feel free to read that as my playlist comprising of predominantly Fallout Boy tunes.

Running has helped. Which has surprised me no end. I felt odd not running today but my lungs absolutely would have been happy with me.

Running, specifically, with Steve Cram as my coach on the Couch to 5k app I used. He has been amazing. It is such a weird thing to feel a connection with what is essentially a disembodied voice but, honestly, when his prerecorded snippets are telling me how great I am and how far I’ve come, it is very hard not to believe fully that me and Steve are now best buds.

Aside from my new and imaginary bestie, my real life friends and family have been incredible. From my sisters checking in on me daily, to my Dad coming to visit in December and insisting we take in a show while he was over. From my Mam and sister messaging Daddy Daftie scripture and checking in on him too, to my friends in the school ground who let me trauma dump on them and take care of Wee Daftie when we needed time. The friends who let me cry and those I made cry.

The incredible NHS staff. From the paramedics to the midwives, the consultants, the support staff, my own GP, the bereavement team. Any words of gratitude I have are so insignificant. For someone who barely shuts up, I am at loss when it comes to explaining just to thankful I am for their kindness, care, jokes, support, words and love. Remembering that time, as traumatic as parts of it were, I genuinely feel better when I remember the compassion we were shown.

H & W Harkess who looked after our service for Saoirse. I will never forget their care and support. Or the look on her face when we were talking about our song choices.

My work for letting me not be there. To be given the time to cope, process and heal is a privilege that not everyone is gifted. I love my job and the team I work with and knowing they don’t want me back until I am ready, has helped hugely.

My two Dafties. I would not be who I am without them. They are such silly sausages and I wouldn’t change them.

And finally, my Saoirse. Those three days we had in the hospital are priceless. And even though it makes me feel a sadness and pain I didn’t think possible, I am weirdly grateful for the short time we had. I move forward with her because I can’t go back. I live openly and honestly for my three Dafties. One of them doesn’t walk on the earth but I know we all are together and that has definitely helped.

My walk this morning was a good one. It smashed our step count and it sent me on a walk through some of my favourite bits of Edinburgh…just in time to do some washing! The joys.

Tomorrow is another day and I hope my cough is less coughier and my aches are less achey. Either way, Wee Daftie and I will do some Strolling for Simba as we start our final 7 days!

https://www.justgiving.com/page/carolynne-murphy-3?newPage=true