Today’s…adventure? Expedition? Venture? Definitely not a stroll…eh…let’s try again.
For today’s part of the challenge, it was a solo effort from me. Wee Daftie has school and then drama after school so it’s a long day for her. I figured I’d handle today by myself.
Before I dive into this blog, I want to address a little as to the motivation for this fundraising. Please be aware it may not be easy to read and it could be triggering for some as it involves infant loss but I also need to be honest and transparent.
On 20th November 2024, Saoirse Lowe was born still. She lived 24 weeks or so inside me, hidden away, until I went into labour on a Wednesday morning. She is my and Daddy Daftie’s second daughter, Wee Daftie’s little sister, but she won’t grow up with us. And it sucks.
I have a whole month of walking and talking ahead of me so I won’t be sharing the full story today. There are so many reasons for this. Mainly it will take a long time and I have a bad habit of leaning into tangents. As hard as it can be to talk about loss, I’ve learnt these past few months that for many, it can be hard to hear about loss. So we’ll get through this together, bit by bit, day by day. Which is exactly how we are dealing with losing Saoirse as a family.
In January, I needed to do something. I needed a focus. The first few weeks after her stillbirth were a blur existing in survival mode while postpartum. I recognised that I couldn’t do that forever but I didn’t know what I needed to focus on instead. Hello Couch to 5k. I’ve never been a runner but having a solo project that got me out of the house, that gave me something that, rumour has it, is good for mental health as well as physical seemed ideal.
The downside was it involved running.
I completed the 9 week program three weeks ago and have been trying to keep consistent with running (plodding) three times a week. So that is exactly how I managed our 10,000 steps today. I did just under 5k in the lovely springy sunshine, which I am super proud of.
Running, even as slow as I go, has been good for me. My brain is a busy place at the best of times so having these times during the week where I can either choose to focus on just the task in front or let my thoughts spin has been great. I used the BBC’s Couch to 5k app and I had the very excellent Steve Cram as my coach. He was so encouraging and kept reminding me of why I started running (loping) in the first place. I have openly sobbed while running and it’s honestly been fine. Not for everyone, probably, but I have found a strength in myself I haven’t felt for a while. I’ve been reminded of what my body and I am capable of. I still don’t love it. But I recognise its benefit to me and my journey to living with loss.
Thanks for reading today. Not all posts will be miserable but plenty will be! I’ve always thought myself as a joyful person and even though there is no joy in loss, it is definitely possible for the two things to live concurrently. I can live with the loss of Saoirse while still trying to find and enjoy the many other joys I have.
https://www.justgiving.com/page/carolynne-murphy-3?newPage=true
Travels With My Daftie 