January 31st 2021

I wrote the date correctly today. The first time in 31 days! It only took me the full month but we got there.

Speaking of getting there, guess what Wee Daftie and I did today? We finished our fundraising challenge! 31 days, at least 10,000 steps a day, several thousand puddles splashed in, plenty of fungi spotted, ducks, swans, and a few seals later, we have a current total of £704 raised for Refuge! Talk about getting there. We more than got there, we found where there was and rang rings around it!

Our walk in itself was quite uneventful. I wanted Daddy Daftie to come with us today to bring it all full circle. The first walk on January 1st was the whole Daft Family Household so it seemed fitting that day 31 was the three of us. Wee Daftie chose the route (she wanted to show Daddy the turkey tail fungi we found last week) so off we set, bright and early, for our last official Big Walk.

We saw water, goosanders, ducks and lots of joggers. We made friends with doggies, a nice cashier and a worm. We rambled, discovered a funky fungus called jelly ear and several meadows worth of snowdrops. We told stories, jokes and counted colourful cars. We skidded and slipped on all the mud we could find. We bought bacon to have at home with pancakes for lunch.

We started this month out by taking one step and finished with over 415,000, an average of 13,000 a day. Not one day was less than 10,000 and one was thoroughly over. My Wee Daftie, my best little idiot, was with me for almost every step. There was only one day, when I walked the length of the Water of Leith with Auntie Numbnuts, where we didn’t have at least one walk together. I cannot be prouder of her tenacity. I frequently joke about how stubborn she is (because she is) but this beautiful determination kept both of us going on some of the most exhausting days.

My biggest ambition in life is to do right be her so I feel that sharing this positive, joyous, hopeful endeavour with her is a big part of that. The very nice cashier we spoke to today told me I should be proud of my girl. And I am. Completely.

To all those who donated, anonymously or otherwise, thank you from the bottom of our hearts and worn out shoes. We definitely couldn’t have done it without all the support we’ve had; monetary, spiritual, physical, emotional. It’s been one heck of a month and I am exhausted and delighted.

I’ve written one more piece about my time with Joe. So here it is. Enjoy. And thank you. Forever #TeamRefuge

https://stepup.refuge.org.uk/fundraising/step-up-by-stepping-out-a-lot

Not all Houses are Homes

I used to live in an invisible prison.
I barely knew it was there.
The walls were thick, impenetrable
But I couldn’t see them, they were just like air
A still, stiff and stifling air
Stealing my breath, dimming my light
Clouding all my thoughts and dreams
Leaving only a misplaced trust in you.

At first I thought you were building me a pedestal.
And I liked it up there, where I could see
Everything – everyone – down below, envying me.
The higher you made it, so narrow and tall
The further I felt, the closer to fall.
The only thing tethering me down
Was the one thing pushing me up.
And the longer I stayed, the more I needed you
To keep me, up there, so I wouldn’t get hurt.

The prison started as a palace, a castle to share
With foundations of your own mistrust and hurt
Using beams of my youth and naivety
Cementing it all together with delicate words of love and want.
My house depended on you
And I believed it all.
The cracks, when they showed, you quickly fixed
With gestures, proclamations…apologies.

I don’t remember when the walls of my home became a cell
Because I couldn’t see them
I couldn’t feel them, I just couldn’t tell.
The key kept turning so quietly, unannounced
That when it finally clicked tight shut
I wouldn’t have believed I wasn’t free.
The shackles of jealousy, paranoia, shame
Kept my feet on the floor, my wings far from the sky

You never turned the key again, to set me free.
It was because of you, though, that I saw I was enclosed
Wrapped in a blanket weighted down with your avarice –
Not wanting to share the thing you said you loved the most –
Not wanting others to have a hint of the spark you said you desired;
Said you wanted too much you that had to have it all to yourself
Your slick promises couldn’t cover over the faults you made
With your greed and impure enamour, sold as a gift.

One day I saw a tear, a sliver of light rippling through,
Through the walls I hadn’t seen were there.
One day I pushed back at the wall, poked a hole in the tear
And not knowing what was below, I jumped down from that pillar.
That landing hurt, as I landed on the broken pieces of captivity
But it hurt a lot less than had I stayed up there, always unsure.
I didn’t land on my feet, I was battered and bruised
But I felt air move around me, I saw brightness shining before me.
Leaping was hard, but it was the only way to survive –
I never knew my strength ‘til the day I pulled down the tower.