I don’t really have much to say today about today. It was a lovely day. We met some friends at the Botanic Gardens for a wander, we saw a kingfisher, we did some baking, we made pizza for dinner, Daddy Daftie came home and Wee Daftie spent a lot of her day dressed as Flash Girl. Really good day. Achieved our step goal. Got some chores done. All very good, but nothing hugely out of the ordinary.
So why not take today to highlight why I chose Refuge as my charity of choice to support this year.
Refuge do amazing work to support and give hope to women in abusive relationships. This is fact. They have helplines, text services, advocates, actual refuges for emergency temporary accommodation and outreach, just to name a few of their resources. They do a huge amount of work to support and empower women, as well as to protect them and any children involved.
The heartbreaking fact is that they have been in higher demand during these months of lockdown. The figures on domestic abuse are just horrific at the moment and it just struck a chord with me that I might be able to do something, even something tiny, to help.
I feel like I’m rambling a bit but I’m trying to find the correct words. I have never used Refuge but I have been in a position where I might have. When I was younger, I was in a very difficult relationship. Yes, it was abusive. Yes, there was an episode of violence. Yes, it was without a doubt the hardest thing I have been through. Was it always awful? No. Was I miserable? Not every day. Was I happy? Not always.
I don’t want to go back through the whole history. It doesn’t feel relevant to where I am or who I am now but I do want to talk about why a charity that helps women is important to me.
I was 19 and working in my first job in Edinburgh when I met Joe. This is what I am choosing to call him. It is a very niche joke on my part but it fits. Looking back, I still don’t see the things in him that hurt me so much by the end of our relationship. I don’t think I’m looking back with rose tinted glasses. I don’t think he was hiding anything, necessarily, and I definitely wouldn’t dare to suggest that I was the catalyst in any changes in his behaviour. I do think, however, that our relationship shone a huge light on his own insecurities and he didn’t know how to deal with them.
He was very jealous person. At first, it wasn’t over me. It was just a general envy of people and him feeling that he never had enough. A lot of this stemmed from his own childhood and struggles; never having enough in his life but also never being enough. And, honestly, often this jealous streak almost felt flattering. A strange kind of protective arm holding me back from others.
The longer we were together, the tighter the arm got. The more people I met, through work, uni, nights out, the more he pulled me back.
He would never say, “I don’t like your friends.” But when I spoke about anyone he either tuned out or had negative things to say. So I stopped talking about them.
He never told me he didn’t like the way I dressed, but he did say, “Oh you shouldn’t wear flat shoes with that skirt, it makes your legs look short.” So I stopped wearing flat shoes with dresses and skirts.
He never said he didn’t love me but he did say, “If I really thought I could trust you, we would be married by now.” So I stopped trusting myself.
We were together for 3.5 years and I have intensely happy memories from that time. He was my best friend. He knew my family. We had the same friends. We had holidays together. We shared a home. And during that time, his avarice took over and he just didn’t want to share me anymore.
He was only violent twice. I used the word only loosely. The first time it happened, he apologised and swore it would never happen again. Only it did, and much worse, less than a month later. It shouldn’t have taken such an extreme for me know I had to leave but, unfortunately, it did.
My story isn’t unique. Which makes the work of Refuge so important and valuable. It’s so sad that there is a need for Refuge but I am thankful that they are there. I didn’t need them. I had an amazing support system and I found my way out. It’s not easy to leave. It can be so, so hard to leave. And it’s really difficult to explain why.
Sally from the TV show Barry does a pretty good job, in my opinion. “I stay for the apology.” It’s not always fear that prevents you from leaving, it can also be the faith, trust, in an apology that gets you to stay.
That’s my story, but it doesn’t define me. It broke me but it also made me stronger. It, in a very odd way, brought me and Daddy Daftie together some 9 years ago.
I don’t know how to end this post so I’m just going to say thank you to Refuge for the work they do. Thank you to my incredible friends and family for being there for me when I really did feel very alone. There are a handful of people who had a profound effect on me during that time, and after, who I hope know how much they mean to me. And huge thank you to Daddy Daftie for putting up with and dealing with me and all my broken parts.
Finally, thank you to everyone who has donated. It is outstanding and I am filled with pride and joy at the change we are able to bring.
#TeamRefuge
https://stepup.refuge.org.uk/fundraising/step-up-by-stepping-out-a-lot
Travels With My Daftie 